A Gracefull Place

I want to thank all of you who have been praying for me, thinking of me, and posting your words of comfort here and in e-mails!

 

Everything was over around 6:30 yesterday morning.   This is the first miscarriage where the baby was really big enough to see, and in the midst of our sorrow, it was an incredible blessing to see this very tiny baby–and it was definitely a baby, not a blob of tissue!  At only 6-7 weeks from conception we could see eyes, the nose, mouth, arms, legs, fingers forming, and we could see through the transluscent skin to the heart, brain and spinal column!  Truly a marvel to behold!    One thing I’ve read is there is a difference between seeing them alive in utero vs. out of the sac when they’re gone.  So it could be likely the baby’s fingers were more developed than they looked to us, as the baby was out of his/her water environment.

 

This is very much what our precious baby looked like, only the arms and legs didn’t seem to be quite as developed, but more than just buds.   Again, some of that could be the difference of this picture depicting a baby in its natural water environment.

 

This is 6 weeks after conception, or when we say we’re "8 weeks pregnant". 

 

 

 

I share all that to show that from conception, this baby was a precious life.  In fact,  Baby is STILL a precious life, beholding the face of Jesus even now.  I have blessed hope that I will get to see this little one again, all perfect in form!

 

The baby was too tiny to tell gender, but with all my miscarriages, God has given either my husband or me a sense of whether the baby was a girl or a boy.   We have chosen to name them, which further makes them a person and not a number (miscarriage # ____ )    I have no doubt that He will this time, too. 

 

I was once asked, when I shared that, what happens if I get to Heaven and find out I was wrong?  What if the "boys" are really girls, or vice versa?  I smiled and said,  "Well, when I’m in Heaven, it won’t really matter, will it!"   But for now, it gives us a name to call the baby, to refer to him/her by, to grieve over.   And to look forward to when we’ll be together again!

 

The baby is encased in a very strong sac filled with water.   It is protected quite well!

 

And right now, I am encased in a "bubble" full of grace.   I am protected quite well by my Heavenly Father’s love and care!

 

Some might describe it as "numb" or "in shock".  (I was referred to being "in shock" during the induced labor of our stillborn son.  The nurses apparently had never before seen someone who had a truckload of grace being poured out on them!)

 

I call it grace.   And peace.

 

I felt it during Noah Ross’ labor and again during his funeral.   I felt it during many of my miscarriages.  I especially felt it during Dallas’ time in the hospital following his accident.  I even told people, "I’m in my bubble right now!"   God knows there will be times to "face reality" later.   But for the moment, He encases us in a strong bubble filled to the max with His matchless grace and love.

 

Unlike the baby, though, we can choose to get out of our bubble.   It’s a cruel world out there.   Cold.  Dark.   I have had times where I did this.  It leads to bitterness.   That is like biting the hand that feeds you and cares for you!  It’s lonely, dark and cold.  

 

I choose to remain in my bubble for now.  Basking in the abundant peace He bestows.  Oh, there are tears!   I cried so much when Baby finally arrived, telling him/her how much he/she was wanted and loved!   Of course Baby was already in Heaven, but we needed that "goodbye" time.

 

After it was all over, and since I had been laboring most of the night, I went back to bed.   I felt such incredible peace cover me!  When I awoke, it was the same.  Warm.  Light.  Comfort. 

 

It was the reverse of the first verse of "It Is Well"–first the sorrows that like sea billows were rolling over me.  Then the peace like a river.  Incredible, Grace-filled peace.

 

Of course, it comes from THE Prince of Peace.  

 

I am not sharing all this to make anyone think I am some superspiritual person.  I still have my questioning times (God, haven’t we been through enough of this?) and my sorrowful times.  My times when I just don’t want to think about it all and bury my thoughts in something else.

 

But ultimately, down deep, I know I must keep my eyes on Him.  II Chronicles 20:12 says (last part) "….neither know we what to do:  but our eyes are upon Thee."

 

Psalm 141:8  "But mine eyes are unto Thee, O God the Lord:  in Thee is my trust; leave not my soul destitute."

 

I know I posted this verse in Saturday’s post, but it is so comforting to me.  Psalm 147:3  "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds (sorrows)."  

 

But we have to let Him.

 

It means letting go of our pain, our hurt, our bitterness, and, in the words of Charles Spurgeon,  

 

"God is too good to be unkind, too wise to be mistaken, when we cannot trace His hand, we can always trust His heart."

 

I’m sure you’ve heard of the poem called "The Weaver".   I post it here, because truly, it is a beautiful description of our life here, and our inability to fully understand the place of pain and loss in our lives.

 

The Weaver

Grant Colfax Tuller

My life is but a weaving, 
betwixt my God and me,
I do not choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes he weaveth sorrow,
and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas,
and explain the reasons why.

 
The dark threads are as needful
in the skillful weaver’s hand
As threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.

 

 

Whatever your pain today, your situation, whether it’s a fresh wound or a past hurt, please give it all to Him.  Yes, you will have to do it daily.  Perhaps hourly.  Perhaps second by second.   But it will get you back into the Bubble of Grace He has for you.  

 

Remember, it’s safe there.  Warm.  Light.  Comfort.  Sweet Blessed Comfort!

 

His presence is there, and His presence sets our hearts FREE! 

 

May His peace enfold you, His grace overshadow you, and His everlasting arms of strength and love uphold you today and every day.

 

Bless ye the Lord, O my soul,

And all within me His holy name.

Do not forget all His goodness

Which He hath done for you, Amen.

 

Bless ye, bless ye the Lord;

Bless ye the Lord, O my soul!

Bless ye, bless ye the Lord;

Bless ye the Lord, O my soul!

This entry was posted on Monday, December 1st, 2008 at 9:15 am and is filed under In His Presence. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.